BODYBUILDER: Nice to meet you Doctor. I just wanted your help with my gut health. I’m all about gut health. Gut health is, like, SOOOOO important. It’s the latest fad and, as a personal trainer, I’m always at the forefront of the latest fads.
DOCTOR: Nice to meet you too. Lets get started with some basic information, if you don’t mind? What is your height and weight?
BODYBUILDER: I’m 175cm and 123.4kg at the moment; but I was almost 130 a couple of weeks ago when I was on a bit more ‘stuff’.
DOCTOR: Good lord! Thats a BMI over 40! You know we recommend a BMI under 25, if you don’t want to suffer heart problems?
BODYBUILDER: Relax, doc. I do cardio. I walk on the treadmill for 30 mins, 4 days per week. My heart will be fine. Plus, I eat super clean; well, 6 days per week. Saturday is my cheat day. You gotta have a cheat day for balance, right?
DOCTOR: … uh huh…? You understand that ‘cardio’ means exercise for people who don’t exercise, and you are a bodybuilder who exercises everyday; and it’s supposed to be combined with a reduction in food to ultimately lower BMI, which you are eating to increase… [stops as he sees the blank stare of a brain not processing anything] Nevermind. So what is this cheat day?
BODYBUILDER: Oh man. Saturday is whatever. So I junk it up pretty good [laughs]. A couple of pizzas; at least. Ice cream. As many pancakes as I can with like a whole bottle of syrup. Burgers. Whatever. But I still count my macro’s. I make sure to get in 300g of protein and I shoot for at least 8000 calories. [smiles proudly] And I figure the pizzas and burgers have veggies so Im getting my fibre [laughs]. And the other 6 days are super strict… mostly [nodding seriously for emphasis]
DOCTOR: [one eyebrow raised in disapproval] So, basically, you eat more processed ‘junk’ food in one day than most people would eat in a fortnight, but you figure its OK because you consumed protein and fibre? And you say gut health is important to you…? [shaking head] What was the ‘stuff’ you were referring to? Medication?
BODYBUILDER: Yeah, I’ve dropped back to about 2500mg of Test – testosterone – per week, 8iu of growth per day, and I only take the insulin around my workouts now. I also reduced my painkiller doses.
DOCTOR: [eyes wide and jaw slack with alarm] OK… and who do you get these substances off?
BODYBUILDER: Some bikie mates. [winks] But its fully legit, doc. They wouldn’t lie to me. They’re good blokes and they use the same stuff. So my gear is good and I’m looking after my heart. That’s why I dropped the dose back. It was getting pretty hard to breathe and stuff with the water retention. I could feel my pulse in my fingers and ears and every night I’d wake up with dead arms and legs because I cut off my own circulation [laughs]. And, to be honest, I’ve been pushing the synthol everyday and getting pretty sick of all the shots. So, after chatting with blokes on a Facebook page, I thought I’d cruise for a bit before blasting hard again. [smiles proudly].
DOCTOR: [rubbing eyes in disbelief] So let me get this straight: you weigh as much as a small elephant because you inject yourself everywhere, constantly, with illegal bodybuilding drugs and oils and painkillers that you buy off bikies, in quantities as great as China can produce, using protocols you get from people publicly discussing their illegal activities on social media. As a result you struggle to breathe and your blood pressure is so high that your face is beetroot red and you can feel your own heart beating in your fingers. But you think I’m going to sign off on your heart and body being clinically ‘healthy’ – despite you offending almost every basic measure of ‘health’ that we have – because you go for occasional walks?
BODYBUILDER: Yeah. What of it? I use milk thistle for my liver too. And I get blood tests. I’m looking after myself. And, I’m just being honest, doc. [frowning in frustration]
DOCTOR: So, despite your staggering drug abuse, your outrageous blood pressure, your insane BMI and your horrific dietary practices, your breaking countless laws which you publicise on social media and sitting on distribution quantities of illegal substances in your home, you think your gut health is the only health issue you should be concerned with?
BODYBUILDER: Oh yes, doc. I’m really concerned about my gut health. It’s really important. Most people don’t even think about it but I want to be healthy. Oh, and can you prescribe me some Nolva? My bitchies have been flaring up a little lately.
DOCTOR: Nurse, please cancel the rest of my patients. I have a headache and need to go home.