Paranoia has gripped women around the world as Accidental Super-Freakism (Accidentilium Superious-Freakazoidus or ASF) reaches epidemic proportions – yet mysteriously, not a single sufferer can be found!
ASF seems to manifest as an allergic reaction to weight training equipment loads in excess of 2 kilos. According to reports, overnight the victims entire structure undergoes horrific mutations such that by morning they resemble a professional male bodybuilder – complete with dark tan, paper thin skin, rippling abdominals and posing oil!
Doctor Richard Head, is baffled.
“I am baffled! These poor women are suffering that which men previously required more than a decade of deliberate, chronic, anabolic drug abuse, intense weight training and long-term extreme dieting.”
“Even more remarkable is that it is most prevalent among the least likely of people. It seems the more thoroughly neglected the body, the higher the chance of infection. Those truly unmotivated, obese women with a lifetime abstinence from exercise combined with poor eating habits are most at risk! It never occurs in elite athletes or bodybuilders that might want it to happen.”
Dr. Head explains that somehow these women’s bodies begin synthesizing new protein at biologically impossible rates resulting in their super-human levels of muscle mass. Simultaneously their entire store of subcutaneous fat is lost. Literally hundreds of thousands of calories of energy are consumed over night, while tens of kilos of protein is somehow constructed out of thin air.
For all of the obvious seriousness of ASF, nobody has ever come forward to be studied. The lack of evidence of ASF has lead intelligent people to argue that the condition is a figment of women’s imagination.
While intelligent people are correct in their assertion that ASF is a biological impossibility, Dr Head believes ASF is actually being covered-up as part of an international conspiracy.
“Knowledge of the condition is very widespread so why are we unable to find a single sufferer? Personal Trainers regularly refer women [to my clinic] in terrible distress about ASF. They usually know of friends or celebrity victims now hiding from the press, such is their shame. Sometimes they themselves claim to have gone to a gym, touched on the 2-kilo mass limit and seen mutations begin. Yet none are able to bring forward a single sufferer. I want to know who is covering this up!?”
More suspiciously, those convinced they have a predisposition to ASF display hostility and disorientation when pushed to explain their experiences.
Dr Head says: “Their reactions are similar to alien abductees or Paranoid Schizophrenics. They are utterly convinced that any form of weight training will cause their body to instantly and uncontrollably mutate into a professional male bodybuilder!? And though their claims make absolutely no sense – biologically or philosophically – as long as my name is Dick Head, I’m going to give these people’s concerns due respect!”.
Government and leading Feminist group representatives have so far refused to comment.
For potential sufferers, Dr Dick Head offers the following advice:
- Walking for 30 minutes, 3 times a week is all the exercise you need
- Treadmills are best: you are more likely to quit exercise sooner
- Steppers can be used if you don’t actually bend your knees; a small ‘wiggle’ at the hips is best
- A glass of wine, every night is essential to maintain your current physical state
- If you must lift weights, do not lift more than 2kg dumbbells in any exercise. Plastic coated dumbbells are best.
- On weight machines do not lift more than 2 plates – remember it is the visible amount of metal and not the actual load on the muscle that causes ASF
- Use the Swiss Ball for everything. The Swiss Ball is proven to be an entirely ineffective form of exercise.
If you have any further questions or information for Dr Head please call the Department of Stupid Services.