Scientists Discover “Lone Gunman on the Grassy Knoll” Molecule

I thought the reason processed foods made people fat and diseased was obvious: it’s all the nasty garbage they ADD to vaguely food-like substances to paint it a different color, feel a different texture, trick our tastebuds into thinking it tastes good, and make it so chemically unappealing that even bacteria won’t eat it, thereby making it last for hundreds of years. Surely nobody seriously thinks you should actually swallow that garbage and not expect some negative consequence? But no! I was wrong!

It turns out that, in the food industry, like the military industrial complex, there are no conspiracies of corporate dishonestly and ambivalence combined with gross government incompetence and corruption. As always, there is a ‘lone gunman on the grassy knoll’ shooting magical bullets that change direction through the air to deliver a killer blow to good guys.

Well, according to the bastion of quality information, NineMSN, Scientists have discovered the ‘lone gunman’ molecule in food. PAMP’s! Pathogen Associated Molecular Patterns.

PAMP’s are responsible for everything. They make you fat. They make you sick. They cause all the problems that processed foods cause. Meanwhile, all the additives shown to be carcinogenic, or worse, are off the hook. False alarm. Go back to deep frying your GMO’s in Transfats with a “vegetable protein” glutamate cocktail, then preservatise, flavourise, texturise, sweetify, and eat up! You’ll be fine, I tell’s ya. Its just those PAMP’s to watch out for!

I mean, the science is irrefutable. They fed a few people a low PAMP diet for an entire week – a WEEK! – and their cholesterol dropped 18%! So, clearly, if they kept going for 6 weeks they’d have a negative cholesterol level which would make them virtually immortal given that cholesterol’s sole purpose in the body is to kill you. These scientists are awesome!

And why wouldn’t this be true? Just because its absolutely moronic and irrelevant? Because its highly suspicious that such a study would make the mainstream media and semi-exonerate a multi-billion-dollar, deeply-entrenched food processing industry that has overseen the rise of epidemic levels of dietary and lifestyle diseases, and has huge vested interest in continuing? No! Don’t be so negative and pessimistic! There are no vested interests keen to shovel out swathes of disingenuous BS “research” proving the opposite of that which everyone can see in plain sight. No, no, no. We’ve got genius Government bureaucrats checking over everything to make sure the public are kept safe from any untoward or dishonest behaviour. And the Government always gets everything right, with tremendous efficiency and consistency. And everything that comes out of academia is directly applicable to the real world. Between monolithic food processing corporations, Governments and academics, how could we possibly be steered wrong?

Its simple: lift light weights to grow big strong muscles; eat non-organic, processed food, with zero protein and lots of carbs for high energy and low bodyfat; eat mercury filled fish and fluoridated water for shiny skin, teeth and brains; gobble anti-depressants and cholesterol meds to live a long and happy life. Just stay away from PAMP’s, sunshine, organic food and critical thinking and you will be fine!

More importantly, about those Kardashians…

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